Breaking Free of The Chameleon Life

To live life based on the expectations of others, is to live the life of a chameleon, constantly trying to read situations and become whatever they’re expected to be. The problem with the life of a chameleon is they never knows who they really are.

The term we therapists use to describe this lifestyle is codependent.

Melody Beattie was the first person to write self-help books on codependency. I’ve recommended her two books, Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency, to hundreds of people. Since her writings, many others have written helpful books on the topic.

My simple definition of a codependent is someone who derives their sense of self-worth based on how much they are needed by others. And the surest route to making people need you is to never say no to anyone.

One reason I can speak with some degree of authority on this topic is I lived a chameleon life for years. In the early years of working full time in the ministry I was eager to be a servant to everyone — no matter what. (Those last three words are the death knell.)

“Being a servant,” yes, that’s what we’re called to do. But “no matter what” means you have no boundaries, especially the ability to say no.

My wakeup call was when my body started rebelling against me, ultimately placing me in the hospital.

Once it was made clear to me what was happening, I made a vow to God that from that day forward I would do my best not to abuse the body He had given me.

However, I had no idea what difficult steps that vow was going to force me to make. The first step for me was telling people “no.” You cannot imagine how hard that was for me. I was used to being the “yes” man to everyone’s request.

During that time of reforming my life, I was reading Christ’s parable we call The Ten Virgins. The story is about ten people (five wise and five foolish) who went to a wedding feast. They fell asleep waiting for the bridegroom to arrive. At midnight the call came that he’d finally arrived. The ten people arose in the dark and trimmed their oil lamps. It was then that the five foolish ones realized they didn’t have any oil in their lamps. They turned to the five wise ones and asked them to share their oil or they would miss the feast.

The five wise ones say, “No. Go buy your own oil.”

Even though I’d read that parable countless times, that time, it was like I saw them for the very first time. It was a lightning bolt.

In Jesus story here was an opportunity for someone to help someone in need, and they said “no.” Even more incredible is that Jesus characterized those as the “wise” ones!

Here’s my takeaway: any time we give of ourselves to the point that we harm ourselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally, we’ve gone too far. I came away convinced it was okay to say “no.”

As difficult as that step was, the next step in my recovery was even harder. I had to deal with people being disappointed and upset with me for saying “no” to them, including close friends and family.

When I turned down their request, their expression turned to incredulity. They were used to me always being there – ready, willing, and able (no matter what!).

It was at that point I met my real demon face to face — GUILT. Having people disappointed in me made me feel guilty. A horrible feeling!

I had to admit I’d been living a guilt-motivated life, meaning everything I was doing for others was to avoid feeling guilty. And I would do anything to avoid it, including make myself sick.

What are we to do with guilt? That’s a tough question because guilt is an important feeling, one that is often prompted by our conscience. There are times we need to feel guilty.

But there is also false guilt. That’s guilt over things we shouldn’t feel guilty about. If you have an overly-sensitive guilt meter, false guilt will constantly be sitting on your chest, making you miserable.

It’s important to simply sit with our guilt, spending time trying to understand it, before we react to it. Discover what it’s saying and where it comes from.

I’ve been on this road of recovery from the chameleon life for over thirty years, yet, I still must constantly be on guard to slipping back into old, unhealthy habits.

But I’m so glad God got my attention and set me on this path. I’ve no doubt I would have many serious consequences plaguing me today, if I hadn’t changed how I approached life.

I’ve found much more contentment in being true to God and pleasing Him than in trying to please people.